Wow it's over a year now that  I've been a member. How time flies!

I'm sitting just wondering...wondering of what I could say to ya'll. God has been so good and blessed with a wonderful life. Everything in my life is awesome right now, besides one relationship. A person I'm best friends with is ignoring me right now. Or at least it seems like it. He barely acknowledges me when I try to start a conversation with him. He pays attention to this other friend. Lately, he's not been answering my e-mails or my instant messages. Why is he avoiding me? He says that he's busy with school, but he can take at least a couple minutes to write me an e-mail just to let me know he cares. I feel like our relationship is literally crumbling. See, he's homeschooled like I am and this other girl is doing school with him everyday cuz her mom works. Now I think that's awesome that he is good friends with her and they hang out more so he's not alone all day. But I don't want it to get to the point that he completely shuts me out. He's promised in the past he'll never hurt and will always listen to me. Ha. It doesn't seem like that's the case lately. He's spending all his free time with her. I'm not jealous, just very hurt and upset that he won't at least acknowledge that I'm nearby. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with having other friends, I just want him to still be mine too. I know....I"m confusing. Last Saturday our church went on a trip to Boston. It was awesome. I got to see a bunch of historical places and did lots of shopping(yessss!!). We hung out some of the time. It was good during the beginning of the day. At least it seemed that way. Then as it progressed he and his new friend started to not include me. And this girl is hilarious, very fun to be with. But she doesn't know when to be serious. It annoys me that I can't have some serious moments. We need to do things as a whole group; not with two main people and this person that's barely hanging on. She can be obnoxious. But I love her because I know why she's like that and God does too. Anyway they're always cracking up about stuff and I can't even say a word. I'm patient, I wait, and when there's a second, I say something. I say it again. No acknowledgement from them. Keep on talking. I always kept falling behind them while we walked. If some people were coming from the opposite direction, I would have to go tp the back obviously. Why do I always have to be the one disconnected. That right there is an illustration of how I'm feeling. Unacknowledged, disconnected, left out, ignored... Why has this always been a problem for me? Am I that retarded? I ask myself those questions over and over. Does he even know he's hurting me? I have a feeling he's getting back at me for not talking with him much at the end of the last school year. Things were horrible. I really hope this isn't his revenge. Making me feel what he felt. If that's the case I'm a horrible person. Really, I doubt that's the reason. It's connected to the new friend thing. I know I seem angry right now, but I"m not. I know that God will heal the friendship in His time. My friend will realize he values our friendship. I know he'll always be there for me, but I also know things aren't going to be perfect. Sometimes it takes hurts and struggles to make a relationship stay good. Right now, I feel the friendship is awkward when I see him, and shattered. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of this. But then again I feel justified in what I say. I love you, Lord. And I know everything will be fine. You'll stick by me when all others desert me. This situation, my shattered heart--I give to you. You make me strong; I know I'll get through. This whole thing I surrender to you.

Tonight are my parents' anniversary! They went out to this wicked fancy restaurant. I hope they had a wonderful night. Goodnight.

Currently Listening The Rebirth of Kirk Franklin By Kirk Franklin Hosanna see related

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

~Proverbs 4:23

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.

~Jerimiah 29:11a

Currently Listening Genesis By Joy Williams see related

Yes I'm still alive! I've been gone and busy all summer. I spent loads of time in Maine.

I'm feeling a little sad today. My grandfather would have been 70 today if he was still living. He past away January 2004.  I miss him. I miss his smile, his laugh, the games we used to play, the time we spent together....everything. If I only could see him one more time....

Let's see... So much has happened I'm not sure where to begin. In May I was asking for prayer for Seth's grandmother. I'm sry to say that she past away a few days after I wrote that entry. Actually, I was talking to Seth on the phone the moment it happened.  It was shocking, but then it wasn't. She was expected to die soon anyway. Now she's in Heaven I hope talking with Jesus. I also finished school then. Finally!!! I thought I was gonna die. There had been so much stress I sometimes felt like I was pushing all my friends away. I couldn't spend as much time with them, and that made me really sad cuz my friends are important to me. Well all the ones I have here in N.Y. anyway. Most of muh friends are in Maine. I have only a couple real friends here. :( Anyway off the subject( i hate it when I do that). But eventually the stress disappeared. I took a deep breath, and this time it didn't hurt to breathe anymore. I could spend more time with my friends and not worry about my mom constantly bugging me about school. Every conversation somehow involved school. I couldn't escape it. I hate to say that my relationship with my mom isn't as good during the school year. And, even though I prayed everyday, I didn't spend as much time with God as I wanted. Frankly, most of it was complaining I bet. Not making enough time for God was wrong. "Making enough time for God" isn't a good thing for me to say cuz I do have a lot of time for God. This school year I really want to make a good effort to sit and meditate with God everyday. Time to really think and listen to God. I've always loved doing that, so I need to make more time. Encouragement and prayer is appreciated!

In June I still went to karate every week as I have been. One of the times I didn't stretch before, and I did this weird kick and pulled a muscle in my leg. Recently I did something similar again so my leg doesn't feel that great. :( Later in the month I went to Maine for a week and a half. I hung out at a family church camp during the mornings and enjoyed some really good preaching. God really got a hold of me and showed me some things that both excited and scared me. But I'm not scared anymore cuz I know God will take care of everything. At night there was teaching too. I chilled with my friends there and talked about how our lives were, what God was doing in us, and all that. I got to see one of my best friends: Laureen!!! She is one of the greatest Christian chicas I know. I never have to worry about having a person to talk to cuz Laureen is always there. It doesn't matter when I call, she'll always listen. Thanks girl!

July went well too. I went in and out of that depressed mood a bit. But most of the time it was too awesome to ever really explain. July 4th I spent over at Pat's uncle's house. I love hanging with Pat and his family. They can be pretty crazy, but I love them! It was extremely hot so we sat in the shade most of the time. We had the most delicious chicken, salad, bread, and ziti. I didn't eat everything even though it looked good. His family is Italian so all the food they cooked was simply delicious! Later on in the day there was a parade which one of Patrick's cousin was in. Emma is adorable! I wish she my sister. There was a farm across the street so I got to see some of the animals. I even stuck my finger in a baby cow's mouth, and it started sucking on. It didn't hurt at all cuz they have no teeth. The tounge felt nasty though. It was all spongy. Foamy stuff was left on my thumb. Quite gross, but I"m glad I tried it. Later that night they had fireworks across the street. I have to say, they were some of the best fireworks I've ever seen. The farmer spend apparently lots of money and does every year on fireworks. They decorated the sky with glittery light. SO BEAUTIFUL!!  The rest of the month was full of warm, comfy days spent by the pool and staying up late watching movies. I eventually went to Maine again. I went to the church camp I go to every year on the 18th. I stayed the whole week. It was so stinkin hot that week. The tabernacle had no air  conditioning so I thought I was gonna pass out every time I went in. It's always been like that. Somehow I survived the heat. At least it didn't rain till the last day!  There was kickball, basketball, and tons of other fun stuff. My heart was touched that week. The renewing and refreshing spirit of God enveloped me. I also got to see old friends and connect with new ones. Ohh and there was this super hott guy named Nathaniel there. We're really good friends. He is so funny too. Most importantly he has a great relationship with God. Wow. But I'm not ready for a relationship right yet and I know he prolly isn't either. God helps me everyday to keep my heart pure. I want to be able to give my whole heart to my husband. Not a cracked one. Sometimes it's hard cuz some of my friends have boyfriends. I want that feeling of knowing you really like a person and the guy feels the same about you. I admit it. It can be so hard especially if he's wicked cute. However, I know that isn't God's will for me right now. In his timing I'll find the right one for me. I have notes from the services that I'd love to share with ya'll, but it's getting late and I have church tomorrow. I'll get them on here soon. The messages were touching and beautiful. God is truly the best! I would be lost without Him.

August has been interesting. I spent a lot of it at a camp by a lake and at a cottage my the ocean. So relaxing. I even got to visit Timna in New Hampshire without  the 'rents so that was wonderful. I love my parents, but going some place by myself was extremely cool. A big blessing! More stories to come! I love you all!

Jesus Cares,

~Kayla

Currently Playing Welcome to Diverse City By tobyMac see related

 I was just checking my e-mail before I get relaxed for the night. I came upon this really cool e-mail and I thought I might share it. I love ya'll! Continue to keep me in your prayers. Also for my friend Seth and his grandmother who is extremely ill. She could die very soon! It's so sad...but anyway here's the e-mail.  I hope it touches your heart as much as it touched mine.

Currently Playing Everlife By Everlife Evidence see related

oh my goodness, it is extremely cold down here in my den. I'm certainly ready for summer.The weather has been crazy. It goes from warm to cool, then warm to cool again...Why won't it just be warm out??? lol Give me patience, Lord.

The last couple weeks have been very tough for me. I'm finishing up school so I'm being burdened with tests. Studying is all I seem to be doing, doesn't it? After sitting down for several hours with my head stuck in a book, my head feels like it's about to explode! Wouldn't I love to relax on a beach right now.....gentle breezes, sand under my feet, the sun, and ocean...Sunday I just broke down. I cried until my eyes stung and my chest ached. I reached up to God for help. I had too. I'm sick and tired of feeling stuck in a deep hole. I'm surrounded by papers I don't even dare touch. Procrastination has had a hold on me. I'm doing the stuff, but I wait till the last minute and so it just makes it harder on myself. I'm thinking, if I don't get this under control what's the point of me being a journalist in the future. If I can't meet a simple deadline for school, would I be able to do it when I'm older?? I've been thinking about being a nurse too. I know. I'm probably making a bigger deal out of it then I should. *takes a deep breath* On Sunday I just couldn't stand feeling like that anymore. I cried out for Him to give me diligence and courage. Man, do I need to be more diligent. I need to learn how to do things when I'm supposed to and keep doing it. Any prayers would be appreciated! Sorry for my complaining. I hate doing that. What happens is that I never complain out loud to someone; I write it all down on here or a journal. Words flow out my pen like a river at times. I know everything will be alright someday. I'll get the idea and finally be what God wants me to be.

My grandmother is doing a lot better. She still can't do much but she can get around the house enough. It was a good thing for my mom to go and be with her down in Florida. She's been back for a while now. I heard she might have to go back down next month. My grandmother is having something else done. OH! I just remembered, while I was staying at my friend's house I had the greatest time. We stayed up later than we should have watching movies! It was awesome. My sister played a prank on Pat's dad. She went and got his mom and they went in and made sure he was sleeping. Darcey(his mom) grabbed some red nail polish she found and helped my sister paint John's toenails. It was hilarious! I thought Alex would burst out laughing and wake him up but she didn't. In the morning he got up, looked at his feet and just said, "Alex...." Darcey said John thought it was pretty funny. Alexandra thought he would be furious. He just said smiling, "Make sure you bring plenty of clothes for youth camp this year." He'll probably throw her in the lake or something. I better come prepared too. I already hear rumors that the pranks are going to be bad this year at camp.

Seth came up for a visit last week. I saw him briefly a couple times throughout the week then  Friday at youth, Saturday morning at karate, and Sunday. He mentioned that things really didn't seem too different. It just felt like he went on  vacation for a few weeks. It was nice to see him.

Well I must go take care of some stuff so I'll talk to you all l8er!